Who da frick need peanut butter? Cafe mocha brown butter coconut spread


Yes, that name is a bit of a mouthful, and yes, ‘mouthful’ is a very apropos term when referring to this shit. Also known as “Why the hell did it take me this long to blend brown butter with coconut butter?”, or “Smack Spread”*, contingent upon what mood I happen to find myself in, which always seems to improve when I’m melting a spoonful in preparation of mainlining a hot shot of this “Nubian Succubus Butter” (that’s the last one, I swear…)

As the name implies, this one is a blend of coconut butter, brown butter, flavored with coffee grounds and cocoa powder. The additional fat naturally gives the spread a silken smoothness I’ve never really achieved when making straight coconut butter. I really don’t think I’ll ever make plain coconut butter again…

My kitchen may have appeared as though torn asunder by Nessie after a sale on Loch Ness munchies, but the 5 pounds of shredded coconut provided well over 2 ounces of smooth, velvety butter, and literally minutes of delicious distraction from all the trifling bullshit of my daily life, like that pecker-sucker of a dog of mine burrowing away at the back door to get in as I licked my blender in ecstasy, ignoring his impotent pleas.

*As in the highly-addictive opiate, not smackin’ yo mama, although you may just get the urge to do that as well when this shit is coursing through your veins… but, in a good way, or something…


By the time Officer Barbrady realized he had been sent on a fool’s errand, effectively trying to guard a pot of warm honey from a hungry grizzly bear, Nessie had made her selection, tree-fiddy, or no tree-fiddy. The poor bastard never stood a chance…


Once truffled, dese bitches is dusted in coconut, coffee, cinnamon, and cayenne.


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